Saving Grace

"It is not necessary for us when we pray to work ourselves up to a state of spirituality which we feel that we lack. Nor do we need to put forth any effort to make what little faith we have seem as great as possible. . . . We need to do but one thing: tell God about our condition, about our faith, our solicitude, and our worldly and prayer-weary heart; and then pray in the name of Jesus." -O. Hallesby

A friend of mine posted this quote and video on facebook and I almost skipped over it, but when I read it, I felt like there was so much truth in it.  Something that's hard for me is not always 'feeling' God or praying and not feeling like something changed or getting pictures or something like that.  That tends to make me feel like I'm not being 'spiritual' enough or praying enough which makes me criticize myself and that gets me nowhere.  

I feel like God's been speaking to my heart lately about just knowing who He is and acting out of that knowledge and understanding.  It doesn't matter if I feel like God is with me and that breeze just confirmed it and the person next to me just gave me a sweeet word and all this stuff, I can simply walk in the knowledge of who He is and act out of that.  Granted, I do need to have that relationship and connection with Him and pray regularly, but if I don't 'feel' Him it doesn't mean He's not there.  

There's a simplicity to having faith like a child; acting out of who you know God to be and always walking in that truth.  Not questioning the timing or the place or what if nothing happens?! Simply believing Him to be who He says He is and who I've seen Him to be in my life and living out of that truth.  I think there's something powerful in simple, big faith.  Even if it's coming to God and saying 'I'm feeling crappy and I don't feel like I've spent enough time with You and I just don't know what to do.'  It's just the act of coming before Him all the time, not just when things are good or when things are bad, or when you feel like something special could happen, or not coming before Him because you definitely messed up real big this time.  His love conquers all.  There is nothing His grace can't cover as long as you bring it before Him to give up.  He doesn't want us toting around our concerns and problems and screw-ups and mistakes.  He wants us to give them to Him so He can cover us with grace and pin our stuff to the cross with Jesus. Then we're done with all that.  Those sins, problems, mistakes are no longer ours to deal with; they've been dealt with and Jesus already won. Grace is so beautiful but I feel like it's so unknown even among christians.  We don't understand enough of what God's grace means for us and our lives and those around us.

If we did understand, I think our lives would look a lot different.

Anchor

I forgot about driveway sits.  I used to sit in my driveway in the evenings or at night and listen to music, read, think, whatever.  The sunset tonight was beautiful.  I realized while I was sitting on the warm pavement how I haven't had time to just sit in God's peace and just be still.  A nice reminder that it doesn't matter how much I accomplish or how well I do things, my Abba loves me for who I am, who He created me to be.  My Lord keeps me so steady, He anchors me. Sweet as.

When it's a quarter past midnight, and the grey skies fade
to black. The waves splash and set me off track. So my vessel
might crash or collapse, when I get attacked. And start
wrestling in my head with these bad memories from my past.
I'm aware of my guilt, overwhelmed and the smell of my
blood has the sharks that surround me cast under a spell.
They waited for me to fall but when I fell the water got
still. And the blood that was spilled protects me, it's
the same blood that cleansed me. My only defense against
my nemesis, now I can rest knowing that nothing can come
against me unless the Father gives consent. Evil intentions
will not disturb God's purposes or interfere so, who
shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider
it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations, praising God
instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing
the ways that God works through the trials to make us more
mature in our faith. It reminds me how desperate I am in
this desert land, thirsty for your mercy and plan while you
give me the strength to stand. You're my greatest pleasure,
yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake,
my fragile life is safe under your sovereign grace.
At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony
and through the tragedy asks himself how can this happen
to me? You might be the type with enough insight to hold
on for your dear life but slip because your grip is not as
tight as you might like. You aint immune to it, naw, and if
you true to yourself then you aint new to it, trusted in
yourself, lusted and lured to it. So when the darkness overwhelms
me and the tide of life rises and swells it is well
is what compels me. When faced with adversity your truth
constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease
and with words you're turning wind to breeze. It helps me
to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking
sand. Through the providence of pain you perfect your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of
God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace
and Faith. And even though its obvious when my outlooks
ominous you've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me
a constant calmness. So when the pain comes like rain from
the parts of life that maintains it's strain i can put my
trust in the hands that sustain. It's profound that with
all these sinking ships around me, He surounds me and he
anchors me with his grace abounding.

Set a Fire

This month has been so crazy.  I had orientation, then I started working and hanging out with people and time has been flying by.  There's so much that's happened, my life has gone from a complete time of rest to a time of pouring out and being with people all the time.

I feel like I've been under a lot of spiritual attack this past week, just identity statements that are so not me like I'm not good enough or I'm going to fail or people won't like me.  How stupid is that? I know my identity in Christ, I know I'm a daughter of the King, I'm redeemed and covered with the blood of Jesus, bought with a price.  I am transformed, a new creation, I have a purpose.  I'm still learning that there's so much more for me to learn.

God is good, and He's showering me with His grace and blessings.  He keeps pouring out finances for things, times with people, and opportunities to share even just a little of what I did this year.  He is giving me so many blessings and so much favor in my job at church and already for university next year.  It's crazy.  He's giving me so many good things that it seems like craziness that I would even be affected by spiritual attack, but I've been reminded that I fight not against flesh and blood but against rulers, authorities, powers of darkness and forces of evil in the spiritual realms.  BUT my God is bigger and my Jesus has already won.  I know the power and love and grace that I stand in.  The enemy can't stand the position I've been put in, the authority I've been given through Christ, so he tries to take me down but that's just foolishness.  I turn to my God and I win. Simple as that. I'm getting my fire back.

Why I'm going to be there

I had orientation for University of New Hampshire yesterday and today.  It was interesting.  If you've talked to me the past couple months, you know there was a long time where I did not want to go to university.  I have a heart for the unreached, especially in SE Asia and that's where I wanted (and still want) to be.  Since other people think it's not their 'job' to 'be' a 'missionary', then why couldn't I since I actually want to?  Then God called me to honor some commitments and my parents.  So I'm going to UNH.  Then He spoke to my heart about loving the people at UNH and how I'm still called to bear Christ's image there too as well as providing in amazing ways and I knew UNH is where I'm supposed to be.

I registered for classes, met some new kids, stayed up really late, ate really good food.  You could say it was fun.

Then there's this little guy we like to call the enemy.  Pretty much from the time I woke up yesterday, all throughout the day, into the night, and then again today and even when I got home, this little sucker was planting lies in my head about how I won't fit in, how I won't be able to handle the course load, how I'll be a loner since I don't party, how I will fail my classes because I've lost all my intelligence being out of school for a year, how I'll never end up serving God and I'll get stuck in the meaningless gotoschool-getajob-getmarried-havekids-retire thing people call life.  I kept entertaining thoughts like that.  I kept letting it eat at me.  I kept entertaining thoughts about why I was even going to UNH in the first place and going back to my defiant, ignorant state of I just don't want to go to university because I want to serve God overseas.

Then I read this blog post (you should check it out...) and I looked at the VOM website.  I read the Laos description and briefly thought about how I miss it.  Then I finished reading the blog post.  About how their love for Christ is why they were willing to die to their own desires to serve Him.  And that sucks. Well, it sucks a little. But what you gain is eternal reward.  Even though my desires are to serve Him, just in a certain place, who am I to put limits on how God works?  Who am I to put limits on who needs to know God's love and who He wants me to love in the name of Christ?

And that's where I'm at: I love Christ so much that I'm willing to die to my own desires to serve Him.

I'm not big enough

So God's been really sweet cool awesome this week.  I feel like He's been speaking to me a lot through metaphors, which at first I told myself was stupid because not everything relates to my walk with God. Then I remembered how much Jesus spoke in parables, so you had to really listen and pay attention to understand and sometimes you still don't understand even when you read it 10 times.  Then I also remembered a time when I doubted something God was showing/teaching me about while I was in Vientiane, Laos and God legit said, 'why do you doubt the knowledge I give you?'  So now when He's teaching me something, I listen up and think it through and make sure it's solid, both biblically and in my understanding of it. So yea, some sweet new understanding of this season and how deep, how long, how wide and how high His love for me really is.

Anyways. Yesterday I read Nehemiah, and I was going to continue and start a new book today but I started thinking about my favorite books in the bible.  Since I've read all but like 7 or 8 books, I was thinking of which ones I really liked, which ones really spoke to my heart.  And I know I just read Ezra and Nehemiah so they obviously are going to stick out in my head, but they're legit.  I feel like these are two dudes I would love to meet and just talk over life and choices and faith.  They both saw Israel making pretty crap decisions and even after laying down the law, they still saw crap decisions.  These two put in a whole lot of effort to watch Israel trip itself up again and again.  Nehemiah, at the beginning was so saddened by the state of Jerusalem that the king noticed and was like, 'bro, go help your buddies out.'  So he went and was put in charge, got the wall rebuilt, Ezra read out the law of Moses and the people were like 'oh man, we've been screwing up. It can be so much better if we follow God and really pursue a Godly life!'  Nehemiah's faith in this whole time is so strong.  Yea, they could be attacked at any minute, but hey God, remember us? We're Your people, help us to right the wrongs of the past by coming before You and following Your laws again.

The last chapter is what really stands out.  Nehemiah leaves because he's got to go back and serve the king of Babylon who's like his boss, and the priest Eliashib screws up big time.  Nehemiah goes back to visit Jerusalem, and finds out and throws Tobiah's stuff out of the temple because it doesn't belong there.  Then he continues to learn how Israel is not following the law of Moses, how they are not doing what they promised to do and he goes around and starts fixing things.  In the midst of this fixing stuff, he's conversing with his heavenly Father about remembering what he's done and how he has been faithful. Three times he asks God to remember him:
                   v14 - Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services.
                   v22 - Remember me for this also, O my God, and show mercy to me according to Your great love.
                   v31 - Remember me with favor, O my God

This guy knows what he's about. Disclaimer, I am no bible scholar, I am no theologian, I do not have  a perfect understanding of the bible, but I like to figure people out and know what they're about.  I feel like Nehemiah's knows that no matter how much work he puts into these people, they may continue to just keep on straying off the path, keep on turning to other gods, keep on slipping and sliding. I think he gets that.  But I feel like he also knows that following God is worth it, and he so badly wants those people to know and love the God that he knows and loves and the God that knows and loves us so completely.  It's worth all this work of coming back and throwing stuff out of the temple (which Jesus did....), laying down the law again, banishing people because they serve foreign gods.  At the same time, Nehemiah's coming to God and saying, 'I'm doing what I can but it might not be enough. I might not be able to change them, it might not work.  But I'm doing this for You because You're worth it.  Remember what I'm doing, remember my love for You and my passion for You and my faith in You.'

He saw Jerusalem come back together only to start falling apart again and he had to come back and fix things. Fix little things that shouldn't be a problem.  But he knows that God he serves, and he knows that God is worth it.

Sometimes we don't see the fruit of our work.  Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's a point to loving someone or sharing Christ with them because they're just going to keep rejecting Him and His love.  Sometimes it just seems like the world is spiraling downward and there's just no point because not everyone is going to come to know and love Christ.  Sometimes people are going to continue to wage war and kill and murder and steal and lie and cheat and sleep around.  Sometimes you see something or someone come together and it's amazing and beautiful and when you come back to it or them, they've broken down in places and your hard work is lost a bit.

God is worth it.  That's all I know.  God covers us with His grace when we're not enough.  God loves us when always and forever.  God pursues us relentlessly.  God never gives up on us.  God never fails us.  God never leaves us.  God isn't always on our side, but if we're on God's side, nothing can defeat us.

When all of this crap in the world seems impossibly huge and daunting, there is a God that tops that. There is a God who is bigger, and He's worth it.  Even if it seems like the work you do just gets torn down and ripped apart, keep doing it, keep loving, keep serving, keep listening, keep praying because God is worth it, and God remembers us.

I could be completely wrong about Nehemiah, maybe I'm making connections in my head that aren't really there.  But what I do know is I serve a God who is just, merciful, and abounding in grace.  He is love and His love for me is unimaginable.  I serve Him because it's a privilege to be on His side, to fight  this battle in the war He's already won because of His love.

Go read Nehemiah. It's pretty sweet.

One foot in the sea

I'm starting a new blog in addition to this one. It's a picture everyday. Check it out.  There's a link up top too...

http://onefootinthesea.blogspot.com/

There's always more

I'm learning.  I wanted to write a blog post because I know when I write for others to read I have to write so that it makes sense. However, I can't wrap my head around anything that's going on in my head so this is it.

God is so holy, so set apart, so much bigger than my mind can comprehend. As soon as I think I have a grasp on Him, I realize there's so much more. There will always be more to see of who God is and His goodness, His love, His truth.

I really miss Thailand and Laos.  I miss being in Asia.  I'm at peace with being here, I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.  Sometimes it's just really hard to live in America, in a western country.  I just really miss it.