I'm not big enough

So God's been really sweet cool awesome this week.  I feel like He's been speaking to me a lot through metaphors, which at first I told myself was stupid because not everything relates to my walk with God. Then I remembered how much Jesus spoke in parables, so you had to really listen and pay attention to understand and sometimes you still don't understand even when you read it 10 times.  Then I also remembered a time when I doubted something God was showing/teaching me about while I was in Vientiane, Laos and God legit said, 'why do you doubt the knowledge I give you?'  So now when He's teaching me something, I listen up and think it through and make sure it's solid, both biblically and in my understanding of it. So yea, some sweet new understanding of this season and how deep, how long, how wide and how high His love for me really is.

Anyways. Yesterday I read Nehemiah, and I was going to continue and start a new book today but I started thinking about my favorite books in the bible.  Since I've read all but like 7 or 8 books, I was thinking of which ones I really liked, which ones really spoke to my heart.  And I know I just read Ezra and Nehemiah so they obviously are going to stick out in my head, but they're legit.  I feel like these are two dudes I would love to meet and just talk over life and choices and faith.  They both saw Israel making pretty crap decisions and even after laying down the law, they still saw crap decisions.  These two put in a whole lot of effort to watch Israel trip itself up again and again.  Nehemiah, at the beginning was so saddened by the state of Jerusalem that the king noticed and was like, 'bro, go help your buddies out.'  So he went and was put in charge, got the wall rebuilt, Ezra read out the law of Moses and the people were like 'oh man, we've been screwing up. It can be so much better if we follow God and really pursue a Godly life!'  Nehemiah's faith in this whole time is so strong.  Yea, they could be attacked at any minute, but hey God, remember us? We're Your people, help us to right the wrongs of the past by coming before You and following Your laws again.

The last chapter is what really stands out.  Nehemiah leaves because he's got to go back and serve the king of Babylon who's like his boss, and the priest Eliashib screws up big time.  Nehemiah goes back to visit Jerusalem, and finds out and throws Tobiah's stuff out of the temple because it doesn't belong there.  Then he continues to learn how Israel is not following the law of Moses, how they are not doing what they promised to do and he goes around and starts fixing things.  In the midst of this fixing stuff, he's conversing with his heavenly Father about remembering what he's done and how he has been faithful. Three times he asks God to remember him:
                   v14 - Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services.
                   v22 - Remember me for this also, O my God, and show mercy to me according to Your great love.
                   v31 - Remember me with favor, O my God

This guy knows what he's about. Disclaimer, I am no bible scholar, I am no theologian, I do not have  a perfect understanding of the bible, but I like to figure people out and know what they're about.  I feel like Nehemiah's knows that no matter how much work he puts into these people, they may continue to just keep on straying off the path, keep on turning to other gods, keep on slipping and sliding. I think he gets that.  But I feel like he also knows that following God is worth it, and he so badly wants those people to know and love the God that he knows and loves and the God that knows and loves us so completely.  It's worth all this work of coming back and throwing stuff out of the temple (which Jesus did....), laying down the law again, banishing people because they serve foreign gods.  At the same time, Nehemiah's coming to God and saying, 'I'm doing what I can but it might not be enough. I might not be able to change them, it might not work.  But I'm doing this for You because You're worth it.  Remember what I'm doing, remember my love for You and my passion for You and my faith in You.'

He saw Jerusalem come back together only to start falling apart again and he had to come back and fix things. Fix little things that shouldn't be a problem.  But he knows that God he serves, and he knows that God is worth it.

Sometimes we don't see the fruit of our work.  Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's a point to loving someone or sharing Christ with them because they're just going to keep rejecting Him and His love.  Sometimes it just seems like the world is spiraling downward and there's just no point because not everyone is going to come to know and love Christ.  Sometimes people are going to continue to wage war and kill and murder and steal and lie and cheat and sleep around.  Sometimes you see something or someone come together and it's amazing and beautiful and when you come back to it or them, they've broken down in places and your hard work is lost a bit.

God is worth it.  That's all I know.  God covers us with His grace when we're not enough.  God loves us when always and forever.  God pursues us relentlessly.  God never gives up on us.  God never fails us.  God never leaves us.  God isn't always on our side, but if we're on God's side, nothing can defeat us.

When all of this crap in the world seems impossibly huge and daunting, there is a God that tops that. There is a God who is bigger, and He's worth it.  Even if it seems like the work you do just gets torn down and ripped apart, keep doing it, keep loving, keep serving, keep listening, keep praying because God is worth it, and God remembers us.

I could be completely wrong about Nehemiah, maybe I'm making connections in my head that aren't really there.  But what I do know is I serve a God who is just, merciful, and abounding in grace.  He is love and His love for me is unimaginable.  I serve Him because it's a privilege to be on His side, to fight  this battle in the war He's already won because of His love.

Go read Nehemiah. It's pretty sweet.

One foot in the sea

I'm starting a new blog in addition to this one. It's a picture everyday. Check it out.  There's a link up top too...

http://onefootinthesea.blogspot.com/

There's always more

I'm learning.  I wanted to write a blog post because I know when I write for others to read I have to write so that it makes sense. However, I can't wrap my head around anything that's going on in my head so this is it.

God is so holy, so set apart, so much bigger than my mind can comprehend. As soon as I think I have a grasp on Him, I realize there's so much more. There will always be more to see of who God is and His goodness, His love, His truth.

I really miss Thailand and Laos.  I miss being in Asia.  I'm at peace with being here, I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.  Sometimes it's just really hard to live in America, in a western country.  I just really miss it.

It's all the same sky

It's been an interesting week.  One of the things I've been struggling with most since being home is feeling restless and like I'm not doing anything. I've always had my life planned and had things to do between school and sports and music and work and then DTS and now... 2 1/2 months of being home after epic adventures. I've been working here and there, babysitting, going to church, visiting people, but nothing solid, nothing really set. I start working as the children's ministry intern at my church beginning of june, but that's another 2 weeks away. So needless to say, I've been feeling restless, and wrestling with God about what I'm doing right now and how I'm having an impact in His kingdom, because I feel like I haven't been and that's a problem for me. That's what my life is about, that's what following Jesus is about.

Yesterday, when I told a friend I was feeling restless she was like whhaaat? with all God's been doing? And that's when I laugh and I know that in my heart but sometimes it's hard to get it in my head. He's been pouring out finances for different things, whether it's more funds for DTS coming in or here, have another $10K a year for school no big deal.  God set up my job for me, shut doors on a couple and then plopped the right one right into my lap. I barely had to ask for it.  He's allowed me to travel to Texas to see Per, Pennsylvania so He could give me some sweet as revelation, and New York City to hang out with my uncle from Arizona. My Lord has been pouring out blessing after blessing, and this restless feeling keeps edging in.

Last night was the first fire pit of the season! It was awesome! Tonight I made another one, and cranked up my ipod headphones so I couldn't hear the noisy neighbors in the yard in back of us playing drinking games..... hahaha!  God just really spoke to my heart tonight.  He's been bringing things together.  He gave me this season of rest, downtime because I had a whirlwind of things going on during/after DTS and I'll have a whirlwind of new experiences this summer and then at university. This has been some chill time of just really pressing in and being with God, me and Him. It's been good! He gave me this picture tonight of He and I walking together, and I'm a little girl in this red dress and He's holding my hand as we're walking along. He said that He's taking me from the things I've conquered, the things I've learned, and we're walking to a new place, and that I'll be facing new things. For right now, I'm in between, just walking with God. It's awesome!

After the fire died down, I grabbed my bike and explored my town, went down streets I've never been down, rode in circles, listened to Mumford and Sons, looked at the sky.  I knew I wanted to end up at my elementary school to sit in the field and look at the sky, so I meandered on over there and turned my music off.  There's the big dipper clear in the sky, and God spoke to my heart that it's the same sky in Connecticut as in New Zealand, as in Laos, as in Thailand, as in Benin, as in Sweden as in California. It's the same stinkin' sky and God is the same God. He's so big and in control that He's got everything everywhere, and there isn't anywhere that He isn't.  He is here, He is there, He's over there, under there, in there, through there, any 'there' you can think of, He's there.

He blows my mind. Every time I think I've got a decent handle on who God who is He stuns me, absolutely stuns me. Not only will He speak to my heart about who He is, but He'll reveal it in about 10 different ways at the same time, through song lyrics, through an email from someone, through something that happens to a friend, through something random I read on the interwebs, whatever. He makes His point and He makes it over and over and over until it's just like wow, when are you ever not like this? Never because it's part of who You are. He's absolutely incredible.

I sat in the field and looked at the stars.  I remembered brushing my teeth under the same sky on the coffee farm on the Bolaven Plateau in Pakse, Laos where you could see every single star.  I told my Father how awesome He is.  I saw a shooting star and that was sweet. I prayed for some friends of mine that He put on my heart.  I sat and wondered about how blessed I am to have the Father that I have and thanked Him for how He cares for me and teaches me and how much patience He has with me.

That's what this 2 1/2 months home has been for.  God is ripping apart the little box I've put Him in yet again and saying no Anneli, I'm bigger than that!  He's not frustrated that I'm not out there changing the world (or at least what my small mind thinks changing the world looks like...), He's delighted that I'm honoring people and commitments and this is where I am and this is where He wants me and I'm looking to Him for what's next. That's all He asks. His ways are better than my ways, as often as I think I know best. I can't see what He sees.  The sweet thing is though that He can see everything, He is in control, and I can trust Him with my future, with my life, with my relationships, with my hopes and dreams and I know that if I just follow Him, it will be more than I could ever dream of asking for.

'Awake my soul, for you were made to meet your Maker.'

Missional Living

So this is something God has been speaking to my heart so much about, especially since I've come home from DTS. Just because I'm not on outreach or with a team in the Dominican Republic doesn't mean that I'm not called to make disciples and to love because Christ first loved us. That's my calling no matter what country God calls me to, what work He calls me to do, what people He calls me to. I am always called to make disciples.  He really impressed this on me in my hesitation to go to university this coming fall, because I felt that if other people aren't going to go out to the nations, why shouldn't I? He spoke to my heart saying that I could go, but if I wanted to go for longer term, to be patient and let Him continue to teach me and build me up so that He could send me out.  I struggled with that for a while because I don't need to go to university for God to use me, but my heavenly Father has so much patience with me, thank God! The past month He's been showing me so much of what He wants to do at University of New Hampshire next year and how it's simply another mission field.

That doesn't mean I'm going with the mindset of converting every person I meet because that's not what Christ calls us to do, and that's not even what Christ did. He discipled a few men who then started the church that has spread all over the world today. All it takes is a few who commit their lives completely and totally to Christ and carry a martyr spirit. By martyr it's not like they're looking for a way to get killed for their faith, but they live in a way that is not for themselves but completely for Christ. Jesus calls us to leave our lives behind and follow Him. He's been showing me I can do that at UNH, and I could do that at home too!

I found this video from UT and it really resonated with my heart because this is how we should be living as disciple-making christians. We do everything for Christ because when we live like that, our actions are multiplied (kingdom principles!) and everything we do affects the growth of the kingdom of God. Sweet-as! Our lives are meant to be spent in worship of our God, however we walk that out. What a privilege it is to serve the most high King who calls us His sons and daughters. Nothing better.

But for real, this video is such a prime example of living out community and discipleship.

Oh and sorry Per that this is from University of Texas... or maybe I wasn't supposed to capitalize the name? hahaha

Testimony

Sometimes I feel like  I keep messing up, I keep backsliding into old habits. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear from God and I don't read the word enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm not doing anything with my life right now.

Then God puts me in a situation where I share what He's doing in my life, what He's speaking to my heart, what He's promised me and I remember how good He is! I remember how He provides for me, how He loves me, how He's spoken into my life. I remember how I've seen His hand even in supposedly negative situations, and I know that He's working. I start to testify to what I know He's done and who I know Him to be, and my perspective completely changes.

I once heard someone say something about the Israelites; they messed up all the time. When they messed up, they were complaining, worrying, being impatient, bored or something like that, but they weren't focusing on God.  The times when they were blessed and things were going well, they were remembering what God had done for them in taking them out of Egypt and how He was providing for them and taking them somewhere better.  When they took their eyes off God, they thought everything was bad and going wrong but once they put their eyes back on God, they were blessed and they could see the power and love of the God that rescued them.

Seriously, testifying to what God has done, is doing, and will do does something. Not only does it stir up your spirit, but it's also a form of worship I think, to attribute the work God does to Him and to say here's some solid ways that God is good.  It makes your faith stronger too because You know who God is and you have testimony to back it up and then your faith is growing and your dreams get bigger and your trust reaches further and God can use you more and entrust you with more work to do for the kingdom.  When God can trust you with more, what's better than that?

When God's giving you more to do in the kingdom, you're walking out the life Jesus calls us to walk. A life filled with hope, wonder, light, truth, love.

This song is incredible, God's been really speaking to my heart through it.