Enough

God's been slowly teaching me something these past couple months and I still can't put words to it.  A friend today asked how God stuff was and my mind started going 501 mph and I told her I didn't have words for it yet.

Then I read THIS (yes that means click this and read the blog post) and realized this is part of what I've been learning and seeing.  It's hard and it's sad to see everyone around me pretend to be so complete and pretend to be fulfilled by the fleeting things of this world.  There this emptiness is the back of their voices and in the spaces in their eyes.  That sounds weird, but look at the people around you.  Look at them.  Talk to them, and listen to them.  There's this emptiness that creeps me out because they aren't whole, that space hasn't been filled with Jesus and the worldly things they fill it with keep leaking out because they'll never be enough.  Relationships definitely don't complete you; good grades don't complete you; money doesn't complete you; mission trips don't complete you; music doesn't complete you; drinking and drugs and partying doesn't complete you.  All these things can promise happiness and good times and the bad things going away, but nothing actually works.

The worst part for me is seeing people I care about walking in this lie, looking to the world for satisfaction and joy.  I do what I can and let Jesus do the rest.

Then go read THIS (yes, this is a link too).  There's so much hurt and pain and suffering in the world.  There's so much hate and anger.  There's so much hunger and thirst and disease.  BUT, Jesus won.  We are covered by grace and God is always good and always faithful.  What happens doesn't always, or even often, make sense but something that I cannot let go of and that I believe with my life is that God is good and He is faithful.  He IS.

Don't ever let go of that.

Worship

When is Worship Real?

Thirsty thursday

"If God is not in the plain things of the life, the coming and going of every day, the morning cereal, the 3-minutes-late to-class-feeling, and the charm of fall leaves, then he is nowhere."

I like this quote a lot.  It's one of the first things I saw on facebook just now.

I feel like this is what I've been missing recently.  I had such a hold on it when I first came home, even when I was working this summer.  I have a grasp of it when I'm in my dorm room and I think it's partly because of the presence of God that just flows in our room.  The rest of campus is filled with so many other things that so many people just take a hold of and it's distracting.

It's so sad to see the things people hold on to in this world.  So many things that don't satisfy, that will never be enough.  I went to 20 minutes of a rugby party last saturday night because they really wanted me to come and I hadn't really hung out with the team outside of practice that much.  It was not fun.  There was this fake smiley me that came out that was not at all representative of what I was feeling.  It reminded me of Vang Vieng, where everyone is on this other level that will disappear unless you keep feeding it and feeding it but eventually you have to stop feeding it because alcohol does bad things to your system.

It's thirsty thursday and I went to Newmarket with some friends to hang out with an old friend.  Now I'm going to bed before 11pm.  Living the college life aww yea.  But for real, what greater satisfaction is there than that found in knowing that I have an eternal hope because my Jesus took my sin on the cross?  That I am covered in grace?  That I was created by the Creator, I wasn't an accident, and that I have a purpose?

I have a purpose.  And right now, a huge part of that purpose, no matter how hard and annoying and frustrating it is, is to be here and be love and light to New Hampshire.

Always remember God is good!

One Year

I am amazed, absolutely in awe, completely blown away by the goodness of the God I serve right now.

I have no words.

My parents came to visit me at UNH this weekend and brought my YWAM 6 month letter with them.  They left about 15 minutes ago and I just opened it only to really realize the work Abba has been doing.  Last November I gave God my family as a burnt offering, a sacrifice, to give Him things that mean a lot.  Then I had the totally wrong mindset; I wanted to serve God in the ways I wanted to, not how He wanted me to.  He redirected my steps to university.  What a blessing to see them this weekend.  The skype conversations with them and also with my brother have been so encouraging and good.  It's wonderful to be in America because I can text them and especially my brother and send him pictures of the changing fall foliage (haha for being in Texas!).  It's been good.

So in opening up my 6 month letter I find that they sent with the pictures I used to represent giving up my family, and Papa pretty much slapped me in the face (in the lovely way that He does so well so often :] ) with this fact: He is restoring my family to me.  He is giving them back.  I wanted to give them up, go anywhere, do 'anything' for Him as long as it was what I wanted.  He knew what was best, He knew what I needed and He knew how to guide me in the right direction.

He always knows.
He is always good.
He is love.
There is nothing outside of the life He gives so freely.
Absolutely nothing.

He blows me away every time.

It's been a year since my DTS started.  I cannot imagine being able to grow more with my Father than I have this past year.  There was so much, good times, trials, adventures, crappy days, revelation, mental breakdowns, freedom and life found in Christ, wrestling, experiencing the Spirit move. So many good things.  Some things I wouldn't want to go through again, but those are the times where I learned the most and I'm so thankful for.

Papa is opening up my eyes to the revival in New England and it's big and it's good and it's SO ALIVE.  What a privilege it is to be able to serve Him here even though sometimes I get so bitter and angry that He's brought me here.  That's the thing I can never let go of: He brought me here.

He is so faithful.
He provides everything I need and more.
He is so good.

I'll know my name as it's called again

The beauty of grace is that we don't deserve it. At all. Ever. No way.

Sometimes I really feel like I lose sight of Jesus, of grace, of hope.  I get caught up in what's going on and what I'm doing and then all of a sudden I'm in bed going to sleep trying to remember if I even prayed during the day.  University has been what I've expected as well as the complete opposite of what I've expected.  The enemy has been trying to spring attacks on the regular and sometimes it takes me a while to realize it.

But you know what? Jesus is bigger than all of that.  His grace is bigger than all of it.  I am redeemed, bought with a price, and I have a hope worth living for and worth dying for.  I'm not trying to excuse my occasional poor or wimpy choices (no I'm not drinking or smoking or anything like that), but the thing is Jesus already took my place on the cross and has covered me with His blood.  I'm free.  I am no longer enslaved by sin or death or this world.  I am free and I have hope. Jesus is good and He will always be good.

Needless to say prayers are appreciated. UNH is taking some getting used to for various reasons, mostly spiritual.  I'm starting to see how God may be weaving some things together, but I know there's more.  I'm a part of something bigger than this world and that is the truth I want to walk in everyday.  I'm learning how to die to myself and pick up my cross everyday and trust Jesus to be enough for me.

Because He is enough.

Saving Grace

"It is not necessary for us when we pray to work ourselves up to a state of spirituality which we feel that we lack. Nor do we need to put forth any effort to make what little faith we have seem as great as possible. . . . We need to do but one thing: tell God about our condition, about our faith, our solicitude, and our worldly and prayer-weary heart; and then pray in the name of Jesus." -O. Hallesby

A friend of mine posted this quote and video on facebook and I almost skipped over it, but when I read it, I felt like there was so much truth in it.  Something that's hard for me is not always 'feeling' God or praying and not feeling like something changed or getting pictures or something like that.  That tends to make me feel like I'm not being 'spiritual' enough or praying enough which makes me criticize myself and that gets me nowhere.  

I feel like God's been speaking to my heart lately about just knowing who He is and acting out of that knowledge and understanding.  It doesn't matter if I feel like God is with me and that breeze just confirmed it and the person next to me just gave me a sweeet word and all this stuff, I can simply walk in the knowledge of who He is and act out of that.  Granted, I do need to have that relationship and connection with Him and pray regularly, but if I don't 'feel' Him it doesn't mean He's not there.  

There's a simplicity to having faith like a child; acting out of who you know God to be and always walking in that truth.  Not questioning the timing or the place or what if nothing happens?! Simply believing Him to be who He says He is and who I've seen Him to be in my life and living out of that truth.  I think there's something powerful in simple, big faith.  Even if it's coming to God and saying 'I'm feeling crappy and I don't feel like I've spent enough time with You and I just don't know what to do.'  It's just the act of coming before Him all the time, not just when things are good or when things are bad, or when you feel like something special could happen, or not coming before Him because you definitely messed up real big this time.  His love conquers all.  There is nothing His grace can't cover as long as you bring it before Him to give up.  He doesn't want us toting around our concerns and problems and screw-ups and mistakes.  He wants us to give them to Him so He can cover us with grace and pin our stuff to the cross with Jesus. Then we're done with all that.  Those sins, problems, mistakes are no longer ours to deal with; they've been dealt with and Jesus already won. Grace is so beautiful but I feel like it's so unknown even among christians.  We don't understand enough of what God's grace means for us and our lives and those around us.

If we did understand, I think our lives would look a lot different.

Anchor

I forgot about driveway sits.  I used to sit in my driveway in the evenings or at night and listen to music, read, think, whatever.  The sunset tonight was beautiful.  I realized while I was sitting on the warm pavement how I haven't had time to just sit in God's peace and just be still.  A nice reminder that it doesn't matter how much I accomplish or how well I do things, my Abba loves me for who I am, who He created me to be.  My Lord keeps me so steady, He anchors me. Sweet as.

When it's a quarter past midnight, and the grey skies fade
to black. The waves splash and set me off track. So my vessel
might crash or collapse, when I get attacked. And start
wrestling in my head with these bad memories from my past.
I'm aware of my guilt, overwhelmed and the smell of my
blood has the sharks that surround me cast under a spell.
They waited for me to fall but when I fell the water got
still. And the blood that was spilled protects me, it's
the same blood that cleansed me. My only defense against
my nemesis, now I can rest knowing that nothing can come
against me unless the Father gives consent. Evil intentions
will not disturb God's purposes or interfere so, who
shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider
it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations, praising God
instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing
the ways that God works through the trials to make us more
mature in our faith. It reminds me how desperate I am in
this desert land, thirsty for your mercy and plan while you
give me the strength to stand. You're my greatest pleasure,
yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake,
my fragile life is safe under your sovereign grace.
At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony
and through the tragedy asks himself how can this happen
to me? You might be the type with enough insight to hold
on for your dear life but slip because your grip is not as
tight as you might like. You aint immune to it, naw, and if
you true to yourself then you aint new to it, trusted in
yourself, lusted and lured to it. So when the darkness overwhelms
me and the tide of life rises and swells it is well
is what compels me. When faced with adversity your truth
constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease
and with words you're turning wind to breeze. It helps me
to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking
sand. Through the providence of pain you perfect your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of
God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace
and Faith. And even though its obvious when my outlooks
ominous you've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me
a constant calmness. So when the pain comes like rain from
the parts of life that maintains it's strain i can put my
trust in the hands that sustain. It's profound that with
all these sinking ships around me, He surounds me and he
anchors me with his grace abounding.

Set a Fire

This month has been so crazy.  I had orientation, then I started working and hanging out with people and time has been flying by.  There's so much that's happened, my life has gone from a complete time of rest to a time of pouring out and being with people all the time.

I feel like I've been under a lot of spiritual attack this past week, just identity statements that are so not me like I'm not good enough or I'm going to fail or people won't like me.  How stupid is that? I know my identity in Christ, I know I'm a daughter of the King, I'm redeemed and covered with the blood of Jesus, bought with a price.  I am transformed, a new creation, I have a purpose.  I'm still learning that there's so much more for me to learn.

God is good, and He's showering me with His grace and blessings.  He keeps pouring out finances for things, times with people, and opportunities to share even just a little of what I did this year.  He is giving me so many blessings and so much favor in my job at church and already for university next year.  It's crazy.  He's giving me so many good things that it seems like craziness that I would even be affected by spiritual attack, but I've been reminded that I fight not against flesh and blood but against rulers, authorities, powers of darkness and forces of evil in the spiritual realms.  BUT my God is bigger and my Jesus has already won.  I know the power and love and grace that I stand in.  The enemy can't stand the position I've been put in, the authority I've been given through Christ, so he tries to take me down but that's just foolishness.  I turn to my God and I win. Simple as that. I'm getting my fire back.

Why I'm going to be there

I had orientation for University of New Hampshire yesterday and today.  It was interesting.  If you've talked to me the past couple months, you know there was a long time where I did not want to go to university.  I have a heart for the unreached, especially in SE Asia and that's where I wanted (and still want) to be.  Since other people think it's not their 'job' to 'be' a 'missionary', then why couldn't I since I actually want to?  Then God called me to honor some commitments and my parents.  So I'm going to UNH.  Then He spoke to my heart about loving the people at UNH and how I'm still called to bear Christ's image there too as well as providing in amazing ways and I knew UNH is where I'm supposed to be.

I registered for classes, met some new kids, stayed up really late, ate really good food.  You could say it was fun.

Then there's this little guy we like to call the enemy.  Pretty much from the time I woke up yesterday, all throughout the day, into the night, and then again today and even when I got home, this little sucker was planting lies in my head about how I won't fit in, how I won't be able to handle the course load, how I'll be a loner since I don't party, how I will fail my classes because I've lost all my intelligence being out of school for a year, how I'll never end up serving God and I'll get stuck in the meaningless gotoschool-getajob-getmarried-havekids-retire thing people call life.  I kept entertaining thoughts like that.  I kept letting it eat at me.  I kept entertaining thoughts about why I was even going to UNH in the first place and going back to my defiant, ignorant state of I just don't want to go to university because I want to serve God overseas.

Then I read this blog post (you should check it out...) and I looked at the VOM website.  I read the Laos description and briefly thought about how I miss it.  Then I finished reading the blog post.  About how their love for Christ is why they were willing to die to their own desires to serve Him.  And that sucks. Well, it sucks a little. But what you gain is eternal reward.  Even though my desires are to serve Him, just in a certain place, who am I to put limits on how God works?  Who am I to put limits on who needs to know God's love and who He wants me to love in the name of Christ?

And that's where I'm at: I love Christ so much that I'm willing to die to my own desires to serve Him.

I'm not big enough

So God's been really sweet cool awesome this week.  I feel like He's been speaking to me a lot through metaphors, which at first I told myself was stupid because not everything relates to my walk with God. Then I remembered how much Jesus spoke in parables, so you had to really listen and pay attention to understand and sometimes you still don't understand even when you read it 10 times.  Then I also remembered a time when I doubted something God was showing/teaching me about while I was in Vientiane, Laos and God legit said, 'why do you doubt the knowledge I give you?'  So now when He's teaching me something, I listen up and think it through and make sure it's solid, both biblically and in my understanding of it. So yea, some sweet new understanding of this season and how deep, how long, how wide and how high His love for me really is.

Anyways. Yesterday I read Nehemiah, and I was going to continue and start a new book today but I started thinking about my favorite books in the bible.  Since I've read all but like 7 or 8 books, I was thinking of which ones I really liked, which ones really spoke to my heart.  And I know I just read Ezra and Nehemiah so they obviously are going to stick out in my head, but they're legit.  I feel like these are two dudes I would love to meet and just talk over life and choices and faith.  They both saw Israel making pretty crap decisions and even after laying down the law, they still saw crap decisions.  These two put in a whole lot of effort to watch Israel trip itself up again and again.  Nehemiah, at the beginning was so saddened by the state of Jerusalem that the king noticed and was like, 'bro, go help your buddies out.'  So he went and was put in charge, got the wall rebuilt, Ezra read out the law of Moses and the people were like 'oh man, we've been screwing up. It can be so much better if we follow God and really pursue a Godly life!'  Nehemiah's faith in this whole time is so strong.  Yea, they could be attacked at any minute, but hey God, remember us? We're Your people, help us to right the wrongs of the past by coming before You and following Your laws again.

The last chapter is what really stands out.  Nehemiah leaves because he's got to go back and serve the king of Babylon who's like his boss, and the priest Eliashib screws up big time.  Nehemiah goes back to visit Jerusalem, and finds out and throws Tobiah's stuff out of the temple because it doesn't belong there.  Then he continues to learn how Israel is not following the law of Moses, how they are not doing what they promised to do and he goes around and starts fixing things.  In the midst of this fixing stuff, he's conversing with his heavenly Father about remembering what he's done and how he has been faithful. Three times he asks God to remember him:
                   v14 - Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services.
                   v22 - Remember me for this also, O my God, and show mercy to me according to Your great love.
                   v31 - Remember me with favor, O my God

This guy knows what he's about. Disclaimer, I am no bible scholar, I am no theologian, I do not have  a perfect understanding of the bible, but I like to figure people out and know what they're about.  I feel like Nehemiah's knows that no matter how much work he puts into these people, they may continue to just keep on straying off the path, keep on turning to other gods, keep on slipping and sliding. I think he gets that.  But I feel like he also knows that following God is worth it, and he so badly wants those people to know and love the God that he knows and loves and the God that knows and loves us so completely.  It's worth all this work of coming back and throwing stuff out of the temple (which Jesus did....), laying down the law again, banishing people because they serve foreign gods.  At the same time, Nehemiah's coming to God and saying, 'I'm doing what I can but it might not be enough. I might not be able to change them, it might not work.  But I'm doing this for You because You're worth it.  Remember what I'm doing, remember my love for You and my passion for You and my faith in You.'

He saw Jerusalem come back together only to start falling apart again and he had to come back and fix things. Fix little things that shouldn't be a problem.  But he knows that God he serves, and he knows that God is worth it.

Sometimes we don't see the fruit of our work.  Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's a point to loving someone or sharing Christ with them because they're just going to keep rejecting Him and His love.  Sometimes it just seems like the world is spiraling downward and there's just no point because not everyone is going to come to know and love Christ.  Sometimes people are going to continue to wage war and kill and murder and steal and lie and cheat and sleep around.  Sometimes you see something or someone come together and it's amazing and beautiful and when you come back to it or them, they've broken down in places and your hard work is lost a bit.

God is worth it.  That's all I know.  God covers us with His grace when we're not enough.  God loves us when always and forever.  God pursues us relentlessly.  God never gives up on us.  God never fails us.  God never leaves us.  God isn't always on our side, but if we're on God's side, nothing can defeat us.

When all of this crap in the world seems impossibly huge and daunting, there is a God that tops that. There is a God who is bigger, and He's worth it.  Even if it seems like the work you do just gets torn down and ripped apart, keep doing it, keep loving, keep serving, keep listening, keep praying because God is worth it, and God remembers us.

I could be completely wrong about Nehemiah, maybe I'm making connections in my head that aren't really there.  But what I do know is I serve a God who is just, merciful, and abounding in grace.  He is love and His love for me is unimaginable.  I serve Him because it's a privilege to be on His side, to fight  this battle in the war He's already won because of His love.

Go read Nehemiah. It's pretty sweet.

One foot in the sea

I'm starting a new blog in addition to this one. It's a picture everyday. Check it out.  There's a link up top too...

http://onefootinthesea.blogspot.com/

There's always more

I'm learning.  I wanted to write a blog post because I know when I write for others to read I have to write so that it makes sense. However, I can't wrap my head around anything that's going on in my head so this is it.

God is so holy, so set apart, so much bigger than my mind can comprehend. As soon as I think I have a grasp on Him, I realize there's so much more. There will always be more to see of who God is and His goodness, His love, His truth.

I really miss Thailand and Laos.  I miss being in Asia.  I'm at peace with being here, I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.  Sometimes it's just really hard to live in America, in a western country.  I just really miss it.

It's all the same sky

It's been an interesting week.  One of the things I've been struggling with most since being home is feeling restless and like I'm not doing anything. I've always had my life planned and had things to do between school and sports and music and work and then DTS and now... 2 1/2 months of being home after epic adventures. I've been working here and there, babysitting, going to church, visiting people, but nothing solid, nothing really set. I start working as the children's ministry intern at my church beginning of june, but that's another 2 weeks away. So needless to say, I've been feeling restless, and wrestling with God about what I'm doing right now and how I'm having an impact in His kingdom, because I feel like I haven't been and that's a problem for me. That's what my life is about, that's what following Jesus is about.

Yesterday, when I told a friend I was feeling restless she was like whhaaat? with all God's been doing? And that's when I laugh and I know that in my heart but sometimes it's hard to get it in my head. He's been pouring out finances for different things, whether it's more funds for DTS coming in or here, have another $10K a year for school no big deal.  God set up my job for me, shut doors on a couple and then plopped the right one right into my lap. I barely had to ask for it.  He's allowed me to travel to Texas to see Per, Pennsylvania so He could give me some sweet as revelation, and New York City to hang out with my uncle from Arizona. My Lord has been pouring out blessing after blessing, and this restless feeling keeps edging in.

Last night was the first fire pit of the season! It was awesome! Tonight I made another one, and cranked up my ipod headphones so I couldn't hear the noisy neighbors in the yard in back of us playing drinking games..... hahaha!  God just really spoke to my heart tonight.  He's been bringing things together.  He gave me this season of rest, downtime because I had a whirlwind of things going on during/after DTS and I'll have a whirlwind of new experiences this summer and then at university. This has been some chill time of just really pressing in and being with God, me and Him. It's been good! He gave me this picture tonight of He and I walking together, and I'm a little girl in this red dress and He's holding my hand as we're walking along. He said that He's taking me from the things I've conquered, the things I've learned, and we're walking to a new place, and that I'll be facing new things. For right now, I'm in between, just walking with God. It's awesome!

After the fire died down, I grabbed my bike and explored my town, went down streets I've never been down, rode in circles, listened to Mumford and Sons, looked at the sky.  I knew I wanted to end up at my elementary school to sit in the field and look at the sky, so I meandered on over there and turned my music off.  There's the big dipper clear in the sky, and God spoke to my heart that it's the same sky in Connecticut as in New Zealand, as in Laos, as in Thailand, as in Benin, as in Sweden as in California. It's the same stinkin' sky and God is the same God. He's so big and in control that He's got everything everywhere, and there isn't anywhere that He isn't.  He is here, He is there, He's over there, under there, in there, through there, any 'there' you can think of, He's there.

He blows my mind. Every time I think I've got a decent handle on who God who is He stuns me, absolutely stuns me. Not only will He speak to my heart about who He is, but He'll reveal it in about 10 different ways at the same time, through song lyrics, through an email from someone, through something that happens to a friend, through something random I read on the interwebs, whatever. He makes His point and He makes it over and over and over until it's just like wow, when are you ever not like this? Never because it's part of who You are. He's absolutely incredible.

I sat in the field and looked at the stars.  I remembered brushing my teeth under the same sky on the coffee farm on the Bolaven Plateau in Pakse, Laos where you could see every single star.  I told my Father how awesome He is.  I saw a shooting star and that was sweet. I prayed for some friends of mine that He put on my heart.  I sat and wondered about how blessed I am to have the Father that I have and thanked Him for how He cares for me and teaches me and how much patience He has with me.

That's what this 2 1/2 months home has been for.  God is ripping apart the little box I've put Him in yet again and saying no Anneli, I'm bigger than that!  He's not frustrated that I'm not out there changing the world (or at least what my small mind thinks changing the world looks like...), He's delighted that I'm honoring people and commitments and this is where I am and this is where He wants me and I'm looking to Him for what's next. That's all He asks. His ways are better than my ways, as often as I think I know best. I can't see what He sees.  The sweet thing is though that He can see everything, He is in control, and I can trust Him with my future, with my life, with my relationships, with my hopes and dreams and I know that if I just follow Him, it will be more than I could ever dream of asking for.

'Awake my soul, for you were made to meet your Maker.'

Missional Living

So this is something God has been speaking to my heart so much about, especially since I've come home from DTS. Just because I'm not on outreach or with a team in the Dominican Republic doesn't mean that I'm not called to make disciples and to love because Christ first loved us. That's my calling no matter what country God calls me to, what work He calls me to do, what people He calls me to. I am always called to make disciples.  He really impressed this on me in my hesitation to go to university this coming fall, because I felt that if other people aren't going to go out to the nations, why shouldn't I? He spoke to my heart saying that I could go, but if I wanted to go for longer term, to be patient and let Him continue to teach me and build me up so that He could send me out.  I struggled with that for a while because I don't need to go to university for God to use me, but my heavenly Father has so much patience with me, thank God! The past month He's been showing me so much of what He wants to do at University of New Hampshire next year and how it's simply another mission field.

That doesn't mean I'm going with the mindset of converting every person I meet because that's not what Christ calls us to do, and that's not even what Christ did. He discipled a few men who then started the church that has spread all over the world today. All it takes is a few who commit their lives completely and totally to Christ and carry a martyr spirit. By martyr it's not like they're looking for a way to get killed for their faith, but they live in a way that is not for themselves but completely for Christ. Jesus calls us to leave our lives behind and follow Him. He's been showing me I can do that at UNH, and I could do that at home too!

I found this video from UT and it really resonated with my heart because this is how we should be living as disciple-making christians. We do everything for Christ because when we live like that, our actions are multiplied (kingdom principles!) and everything we do affects the growth of the kingdom of God. Sweet-as! Our lives are meant to be spent in worship of our God, however we walk that out. What a privilege it is to serve the most high King who calls us His sons and daughters. Nothing better.

But for real, this video is such a prime example of living out community and discipleship.

Oh and sorry Per that this is from University of Texas... or maybe I wasn't supposed to capitalize the name? hahaha

Testimony

Sometimes I feel like  I keep messing up, I keep backsliding into old habits. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear from God and I don't read the word enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm not doing anything with my life right now.

Then God puts me in a situation where I share what He's doing in my life, what He's speaking to my heart, what He's promised me and I remember how good He is! I remember how He provides for me, how He loves me, how He's spoken into my life. I remember how I've seen His hand even in supposedly negative situations, and I know that He's working. I start to testify to what I know He's done and who I know Him to be, and my perspective completely changes.

I once heard someone say something about the Israelites; they messed up all the time. When they messed up, they were complaining, worrying, being impatient, bored or something like that, but they weren't focusing on God.  The times when they were blessed and things were going well, they were remembering what God had done for them in taking them out of Egypt and how He was providing for them and taking them somewhere better.  When they took their eyes off God, they thought everything was bad and going wrong but once they put their eyes back on God, they were blessed and they could see the power and love of the God that rescued them.

Seriously, testifying to what God has done, is doing, and will do does something. Not only does it stir up your spirit, but it's also a form of worship I think, to attribute the work God does to Him and to say here's some solid ways that God is good.  It makes your faith stronger too because You know who God is and you have testimony to back it up and then your faith is growing and your dreams get bigger and your trust reaches further and God can use you more and entrust you with more work to do for the kingdom.  When God can trust you with more, what's better than that?

When God's giving you more to do in the kingdom, you're walking out the life Jesus calls us to walk. A life filled with hope, wonder, light, truth, love.

This song is incredible, God's been really speaking to my heart through it.

Savior of the Broken

I feel like God has really been speaking to my heart about the brokenness of the world, but the hope and healing He offers. I have so many stories, memories and words He's spoken to my heart about this and it would take too many words to explain it all. I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but God kept telling me to wait, He had more to show me.

Simply, I'm a completely broken person. I've made some choices that led me down a path far from God. For a while I was doing things that basically nullified what Jesus did on the cross for me, saying that I could take care of myself and everything and I didn't need Him.

The thing is, He was furiously, relentlessly pursuing me. He let me step over boundaries and test the limits, but He knew how much I could take and He wouldn't let me step over that line, praise God! Almost 3 years ago, the Holy Spirit really did a work in my heart and I started taking steps in the right direction. I've been a christian since I was about 6 years old, but it was never my own faith; it was what I was taught. The past 3 years has been God guiding my heart more and more towards Himself and showing me how much He loves me, how much He gave for me. He healed the hurting parts of my heart bit by bit as I gave them up to Him. Even when I would take things back from Him, He kept asking to carry them, to take my burden on His shoulders.

That's what it is to give your life to Christ; to see your broken state and know that in your humanity you can't save yourself, you're lost. Christ took your burden, your sin, your brokenness, your fallen nature, He took it on His shoulders and died with it.  Then the power of God raised Him from the dead so that He could raise us up too! When we come to Jesus, we die and are given a new spirit. We are a new person!

God created us to worship Him. Part of that is recognizing what Christ did for us and the power there is in His death and resurrection. Recognizing that the Father loves so unconditionally that He had to have a way to destroy the disconnect sin created, and so He sent His Son to take all that on Him and create a way back to the Father. How crazy is that?? He wants us to live our lives in worship, in His presence, in a way where we are in constant communion with Him. That's what He created us for. This constant communion means no hurt, no pain, no suffering.  I don't mean that life will be easy and carefree, but that we can cast our hurts, pains and suffering on Him and in His presence and love find peace and joy to walk in. He is so faithful, He will never fail to invade our lives with peace and joy. Too often we look to the world to take our pain away and that will never work, ever. But with God, He promises to never leave us.

I definitely don't have all this down pat. Some days go by and at the end I realize I've barely talked to God all day while other days it's constant communion with God. But no matter how much I stray away or mess up, God is always there waiting for me. He initiates, He comes to us. He will never fail us. It's getting easier and easier to just find myself in His presence all the time and it's such a joy to recognize that and see His hand in my everyday life! It's crazy.

So this is ending up long. There's this sweet song I heard a while ago and heard it again tonight and it's sooo good! Speaks to my heart, I pray it speaks to yours too. Be blessed!

God is soo good. Another sweet as song came to mind and I have to post that too. The bridge speaks so strongly to my heart every single time. God is SO good!
'I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, my God You never will.'

So Blessed!

‘I want to know You

Let Your Spirit overwhelm me

Let Your presence overtake my heart’

‘It’s joy unspeakable and it’s full of glory’

The past week has just been a whirlwind. The past couple days seem like a couple weeks. Yesterday alone seemed like it was a couple days long. I feel like I’ve been on a faith journey with God the past few days. I mean, all of life is based on faith, but the past couple days has just been like ‘ok God, I know how You’ve shown up before so I know I can trust You, but I just have no idea what this is going to look like’. There are still so many things up in the air, but my God is so faithful and glorious in all He does.

I need a job. I was perfect for the new Panera opening up in Wethersfield, so I applied and everything, played phone tag with a woman to set up an interview, and had an interview wednesday. They said they would call me thursday to set up a second interview, but they didn’t call. Friday morning I got a call from a different woman, well we played phone tag back and forth a couple times again and when I finally got a hold of her, they offered me the job but I couldn’t come to a mandatory training session saturday because of a visit to UNH. They pretty much said, well that’s it, we can’t take you then.  As soon as I hung up I asked God, ‘Is this something I’m supposed to fight for? Am I supposed to be pursuing this strongly?’ I didn’t get a voice from Heaven or anything but I had this strange reassurance and peace and thoughts that I’d ignored earlier in the week came back and I knew it was ok. I was supposed to be a UNH saturday.  There were so many other things that worked out in a way only God can orchestrate and I can’t even explain them all. This is so beyond basic, there is so much more. But anyways, I had this overwhelming sense of this is what is supposed to happen that I even had a hard time being upset about not getting the job, and I need a job.

So we went to UNH yesterday, and it was the College of Health and Human Services accepted students day, which I went to last year by myself and attended the Outdoor Education info group. This year I decided to go to the Social Work info group because I’m switching majors, and my parents came. On the drive up I was just pleading with God that the day would be worth it, that there would be purpose and I specifically asked for renewal, new joy, new life.  Funny thing is, God kept pointing out the new buds and leaves on the trees and speaking to my heart about how there will be renewal and new life.  He’s so good with encouragement! Needless to say, meeting with the head of the social work department was so great. I got to talk to her personally about some things I did overseas and explain a bit of my heart behind going into social work and then she had me share with the whole group. What the heck God! haha! So now I actually know about the social work program I’m going into and again feel so much peace about the campus. 

I made plans to meet with one of the girls I’ll be rooming with next year and her mom at a sweet pizza place in Portsmouth and I was so nervous. I had no idea what she was like, I just knew that God had clearly orchestrated our rooming situation and again I was just trusting Him. I had no idea what He had in store for me. They came and whatever expectations I had were tossed out the window and to sum it up, I feel like I’ve know Mallory for years. Besides the fact that she has a heart for the world, especially Africa and a huge as heart for God, her parents are missionaries with Campus Crusade for Christ. The whole story behind her family and when I’ve met the before and all the ridiculous connections there are is just so big, it’s too much to write out. God loves to do things like this and then just laugh when we start to make a couple connections. He seriously has a crazy sense of humor!! I’m so blessed to have Mallory as a roommate, and to pretty much have a second family and home up in New Hampshire. (Of course, I haven’t even met my other roommate yet, Gwen, but she’s a sister in Christ as well and I know that she’s going to be a huge blessing as well!)

This does no justice to the past couple days. None. I can’t even put into words how good God is. I was asking God to just show His glory this weekend and He couldn’t have revealed more.  You might remind me that I didn’t get the job, but the peace God’s given me about that is even more glorious than the joy of making money. 

Today was just, such a sabbath. A day to just revel in God and who He is. Wind was fantastic and the message was so good, something God speaks so much to my heart about. Testifying to who He is and what He does, being a witness and that’s our job, to speak out and declare what God has done and is doing; the Holy Spirit changes people. So good. Merge tonight was incredible.  Worship was 2 songs, and it took up 45 minutes. It was just pressing in and pressing in and blessing God and pressing in even more. His presence was so tangible in the room, it was intense. What a blessing it is to have the privilege of becoming sons and daughters of the most high God and getting to worship Him! What a blessing it is to get to know Him more and see more of His glory revealed!  What a blessing it is to fall more in love with my Savior and my God who created me and has rich as plans for me!! I really can’t think of anything better than to live a life of praise, a life that just shows the glory of our God. What greater privilege is there than to be able to testify to who God is and what He’s done in your life? He is so good!

I feel like a big part of our job as the body of Christ is to testify, to witness to what He's doing and what He's done. I guess that's why I'm still writing on this blog, and while I'll keep writing.  It keeps me accountable to sharing how He's moving in my life, what He's teaching me and revealing to me. He could be doing sweet as stuff and I could be like, 'cool God!' but when I share it, I get to share about the goodness of my God but hopefully you are also encouraged to look at your life and recognize the good things He does for you! Even if you can't see anything good in the physical, just think: He is always with you. Even if He didn't do one more good thing in your life, if He stopped blessing you, He would still be worthy of more than a lifetime full of praise. That's how good He is! I don't know, it just makes me want to praise Him with my life and bring glory to His name, and that means testifying to what He does for me and in me. Plus, when you remember what you know He's done for you, it's so easy to remember His goodness and just praise Him and follow Him!

I’ve found that God often highlights lines from songs that really speak to what He’s doing in my heart and in my life, and the lyrics at the top really just speak sooo much.  This week has just been joy unspeakable, full of God’s glory.  I just am constantly refilled with His joy and His glory is all over how He’s been moving things in my life and working things out. Amazing, absolutely amazing.  The other lyrics are one of the songs we sang tonight, probably for about a half hour, just pressing in. I’ll post the song below. It’s so powerful, let it move you. Let the Spirit speak to your heart about knowing God! You never know Him completely, He is always revealing more of Himself, and He is always worthy of praise and worship.  There is no greater joy than to worship Him! Seriously, just press in, His presence is such a good place to be, and an even better place to stay. God is good!

I do know God has something for me in terms of working, I'm just not sure what it is, but I would definitely appreciate prayer to find where He has for me to be! Still pressing in, listening and searching for a job!

Jesus, You're Beautiful

We cry holy, holy are You

Our hearts are burning, burning for You

We are Your burning ones

We are consumed by You

We set our lives apart

We are consumed by You

I’m still learning what it’s like to be burning for my Savior all the time.  Everyone has those crazy church service or summer church camp or winter youth retreat moments where it’s like WHOA, God is real! And those moments feel great, but I want that desire, that burn, that feeling in my tummy that my God is real all the time.  I think it’s possible.  Being in constant communion with Papa, always recognizing His presence, always giving Him glory and praise and worship, always thanking and asking and blessing and pleading and praising and coming before Him, never being satisfied with how much I have but also being so grateful for how much of Him I have.  One of my YWAM speakers said something along the lines of we have all of the Holy Spirit, but the Holy Spirit doesn’t have all of us. I want desperately for the Holy Spirit to have all of me. I want to always be in communion with Him.

I realized AGAIN today how much my Papa blesses me, gives me more than I could ask for, gives me better than I could ask for.  I’ve been realizing the past couple days that I did make a promise to my parents that I would go to university.  This is really hard for me to go along with because I’ve been changed by what I’ve been shown; a way of walking with Jesus in another place, another nation with other people.  I know my call to make disciples, I know my call to go to the nations, I know my call because it’s everyone’s call.  I don’t think anyone is called to just one thing, just one assignment, just one project.   I don’t think anyone is called to just America, or just another country.  I don’t want to go off on this tangent, but if other people aren’t going then there’s no point in me staying here when I could be out going! But I did make a promise.  I have heard Papa say to let go and to stop trying to control my future and control my plans because He has rich as plans for me, and those are His words!  

So I’ve been, daily, telling God that I’ll go to university and I won’t be all down and out about it.  He can’t use me as well, He can’t work in me, He can’t move through me as well if I’m all down and out.  New Hampshire is another mission field! There are people there whose hearts are being prepared, whose hearts are being softened, whose paths are being directed for a divine encounter with their heavenly Father and I want to be a part of that, I am privileged to be a part of that. So other than actually sending in my deposit, this is me laying me down and allowing Papa to bring me to university next year. 

I did give Him a bit of an ultimatum, which in my typical human mind, kind of wasn’t sure if He’d come through on.  I told God that I would go with a glad heart but that He needed to give me community.  Not just a group like Campus Crusade, but a room mate.  I asked Him to give me a christian room mate if He really wanted me to be at UNH. So after messaging back and forth with a couple girls, one who is looking for more people to smoke weed with and another who thought we could be potential roomies because we have similar secular music taste, I was asking Papa if I would be rooming with someone who would push me, who I would have to be an example to, who I would have to love when I really didn’t want to.  I messaged a friend at UNH on the off chance he might know an incoming freshman christian girl.... and a couple days later he gave me a name.  Cool! But then there’s asking her and praying that her faith is deep and that she won’t judge me.  We’re going off of my facebook profile, where pictures of my shaved head are abundant. I told God, whatever, I’m messaging her and asking You to come through on this whether I end up rooming with her or someone else, I’m asking You to come through.  Needless to say He did. She already had a christian roomie, but they’re willing to triple! Sweet as!

The funny thing is, I don’t realize God’s sense of humor until a couple days later.  First I realized that I was hoping/praying for a roomie from either NH or CT so we could do things outside of school, whether it’s at her place in NH, or we’d both live in CT and could even travel back and forth together or something.  Mallory lives about 30 minutes from UNH campus in NH and Gwen lives in Sherman, CT.  I get both NH and CT!! Praise God! The best thing is, I didn’t even realize this until I was emailing a dear friend tonight and told him that God didn’t provide just one room mate, but He gave me two! My Father continues to blow my mind and just make me laugh at how much I see as just life happening and don’t even see His hand in it.  He is in everything!!

I want to be heavenly-minded. I want to be seeing these things happen in my life and immediately see Papa’s hand and give Him praise and thanks.  I want to be in constant communion, that every action will be with Him in mind and therefore have eternal value.  He spoke something to my heart while I was in Laos, that anything done without His Love is absolutely meaningless. If you do something without the love of the Father, you may as well have not done it. If you feed the poor but don’t do it with Papa’s heart, don’t bother feeding them. If you care for children and adopt orphans from other countries but don’t do it with Papa’s heart, don’t bother because it means nothing, it does no good.  Nothing in life has any meaning or point or value unless it is done with an eternal mindset, with Papa’s heart.  If you have Papa’s heart, you can simply sit and be with people and that in itself will blossom and bear fruit because you allowed the Spirit to use you and move through you.  Jesus tells His disciples in John 6 not to work for bread that spoils, but bread that will last for eternity.  Your works mean absolutely nothing, but if you are working with the love of your Savior, it can move mountains and part oceans. It can heal the sick, make the lame walk, the blind see, the deaf hear. It can raise the dead. It can save a man whose life will be lost to an eternal hell and give Him hope in this world for the world to come.  Jesus is the only thing worth living for. He is the only thing worth dying for and once you’ve allowed your old self to die, He will give you new life and ask you to follow Him and you will never be the same.  

My Savior never fails to blow my mind and break my heart.  I can only keep asking for Him to keep my heart and continue to show me more of His.

He is so good, always.

Broken Heart

I have no words to describe the privilege of being a daughter of the King. My Father never ceases to show up, to amaze me, to be my peace.

Visiting Per in Texas hasn’t been easy. America in general hasn’t been easy. In the 2-ish hour drive from Houston to College Station, I had this anger and frustration that I couldn’t shake on how people here have so much; so much land, so many cars/trucks, such big houses, so many animals. The churches are massive as and look brand new, high tech with their new signs out front.  All the girls wear their make up and have their hair done.  It’s similar at home, just not as big and grand.  Here it’s like Texas is all there is that matters, it’s a country within itself. Needless to say, I had a hard time at first. Living cheap and in standards that would not pass in America, it’s hard to come here and not have a troubled heart.  I didn’t want to be angry, but I just hate seeing the way America glamorizes selfishness.  

I couldn’t focus enough to read my bible, I would talk to God for about 2 minutes before getting distracted and I walked right back into self reliance. Everything was all about my brother and it’s not that I wanted it to be about me, I just felt so out of place. I don’t know any of the A&M traditions, I don’t know the cheers and songs for midnight yell, I don’t understand how people’s lives can revolve so much around a university (don’t think you’ve seen dedication to a university until you’ve been to the Aggie Mom’s Boutique.).  We went to the K-1 banquet and ball Saturday night and again, I just didn’t fit in at all.  I was the awkward 5th wheel in our group, I hate the club-ish dance music they were playing, I don’t know country dancing and when I did dance with Per’s buddy Andrew, I found out that I won him a bet by dancing with him and then watched several people pretty much make fun of him for his love of country/swing dancing.  The whole weekend was sort of like culture shock, and I wasn’t even looking to my Father for help with it other than a quick ‘God this sucksss whyyy.’

We came thursday night, and finally sunday afternoon was gently reminded who I am, or more like Whose I am.  A friend gave me the link for Katie Davis’s blog (www.kissesfromkatie.blogger.com) and the world was taken out from under my feet. God gently showed me how He cares for His children, how He has plans for my life, how I can find my peace and rest in Him even if the world around me is going crazy. I remembered that I can always come to Him, 24/7, 365 days a year. I remembered how I want and love to be in constant communication with Him, blessing people, praying for people, giving up the parts of me that are still a part of this world so my Papa can come fill those spaces.  

I remembered what’s happened in the past 2 weeks, glimpses of what could have been but how my Father has beautifully orchestrated my life and my family’s lives.  One friend from my hometown in Santa Barbara was shipped out to Afghanistan as a part of the marines. We saw pictures of his family, especially his mother saying goodbye.  I could feel the pain of seeing a childhood friend leaving for the military.  Another friend, a twin, from Santa Barbara committed suicide. The pain of remembering birthday parties, play dates, and the girls I got the chicken pox from and knowing that one of them couldn’t take it and one of them is now here, the only one of a set of twins, makes my heart ache.  Seeing things like this happen in the lives of childhood friends and thinking, this could be my brother or that could be me makes me that much more in awe of God and the plans He has and the way He changes lives and saves and has just covered my life in grace.

I have been blessed with the best brother there ever was, and to top it off, he’s my twin. He won multiple awards this weekend and all his upperclassmen told our family he is exceptional.  He is being unbelievably blessed by my Father with amazing opportunities, intelligence and knowledge in getting a 4.0 gpa, a body that can endure just about anything and get him 3rd place in the Rudders Rangers Challenge (should have gotten 1st, the ruck march was too long!), the skills and qualities that are going to make him an amazing leader, and the stipend he receives as well as having a free ride to university.  I could go on. Papa has put a covering of favor on him, I can tell.  At first I struggled with it, like why does he get just about anything he wants when I am getting nothing I want? Then I realized he’s being built up for something bigger than himself and this is how God is going about doing that. I’m getting built up for something bigger than myself and this is how God is building me up.  You can’t compare us because we’re doing such different things, but at the same time, we’re doing such similar things.  We’re going places and living for things, Someone, who is bigger than this world, bigger than ourselves.  Papa has big things for this kid, and I couldn’t be prouder.

I’m sitting in yet another international airport and my heart aches to go to another country and just serve.  I have a promise to my parents to fulfill though, a promise to go to university this year.  So that’s what I’m doing and I’m not all upset or disappointed about it.  Everyone everywhere needs to know the love of the Father right? I’m not losing my edge either, I’m not backing down from what I know Papa’s called me to.  He knows my heart and I know that.  I'm not backing down from what Jesus calls every one of His disciples to either.  I keep on getting hit in the face (this is really the only way I can describe it...) with the importance of having an attitude of martyrdom when it comes to following Christ.  Paul said 'to live is Christ and to die is gain' and I'm finding more and more that that is the only way I really desire to live, in complete abandonment to my Savior.  It doesn't mean that I want to go to the first place that will get me killed for bearing the image of Christ.  It means that while I'm here on earth, while I'm living, I bear His image and that is a privilege and an honor and that is what I live for.  However I die, whether it's natural or if I am killed for the gospel in some way, it's gain because I'll have lived knowing that I followed Christ as my rabbi and lived in a way that He would say, 'well done, my child' and that now I have an eternity to spend praising and worshipping my King.  Dying to yourself to gain new life in Christ.  

My name is 'Favor Grace' and I am loved by my Creator.  There is nothing better.

Word Vomit Becomes Revelation

I was playing Josh Garrels in the car on the way back from a church for a human trafficking meeting and I played Zion & Babylon and this line stood out to me in a new way:

Lose your life, so that you could find it

Lose your life. Give up what you have, everything. Be prepared to walk away from anything. When Jesus called the disciples he pretty much walked up to their boats and was like ‘hey, follow me.’ They didn’t know Him, but they knew there was something bigger to this guy. Look how right they were! They followed this guy they’d never met and their lives were changed in a way that they then went out and changed the world in a new way, in a supernatural way, in a way that isn’t worldly possible.  They were privileged to rely on the strength of their Father and Spirit and see lives changed radically. They were able to share something that was far bigger than themselves! They found their lives by losing everything.

I hung out with a lifelong friend today and I heard how some of his life plans have changed. He doesn’t want to teach music anymore, and part of it is because the way kids in school seem to care less now than they used to and the school systems, at least in my town, seem to be leaning more and more towards spoon feeding kids and allowing so many exceptions. He lost his hope for teaching and bringing his love for music and guitar to kids because the kids that love it like he does seem so few now compared to how many are comfortable with just coasting. It’s sad to hear. What he was striving to offer to the world seems to be getting crushed by the world itself. 

When you live for something beyond this world, bigger and outside of this world, it can’t be crushed! This world has nothing on the hope we’ve found in Christ and that we share. Yea, we’re attacked and things come against us but at the end of the day, if this world kills me, it kills my flesh but I have an eternity to spend doing all I could ask for, worshipping my Father.

So anyways, back to Zion and Babylon and that line. I’ve been a bit all over the place because I know the things God has spoken into my life and sometimes I felt so strongly about what I wanted to do and then a couple weeks later it would seem totally impossible, and maybe God had other plans for me or something. For a while, especially after coming home, I had to hold on so strongly to just who God is and dreaming with Him and the knowledge that I know He’ll take me back to SE Asia. I held on so tightly to going back because I wasn’t going to let this world tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not big enough, smart enough, bible scholarly enough, whatever.  In my weakness, HE is strong and that’s what matters. So in looking at my future, so many of my YWAM buddies are so supportive of living out the call to nations wherever you are in life, God will use you eh? Back home in Wethersfield, family and friends assume that the next step in university and how can you live life without going to university? Granted there are the people in between, both from YWAM and CT. What’s such a struggle for me is I can see the good in both and yea, I want to jump right into missions and heading back out to nations because I know God has things for me there, but I can also see how He would use me to glorify Himself in going to university and giving up my plans of how I think my life should look. Back to giving up control, thank you Mark Parker! Talk about a mountain (table...) top experience! But God keeps reminding me, ‘hey, who’s in control? Who’s got the big picture? Who works all things together for your own good?’ and I can’t even be annoyed that I may be heading to university next year. 

In the fall (New Zealand spring...) I was so ready to give up my admission to UNH, my scholarships, my admission into the honors program, everything, my life at home, it didn’t matter because people haven’t heard the gospel, people don’t know the love and hope and light and joy of Christ! I still feel the same, I would give all that up and go serve in any way. But I’m home right now, in debt to my parents, without a consistent job (at the moment.... prayerfully that will be changing soon...) and leaning so heavily on my Father. I heard that line in the song tonight and realized maybe that wasn’t all just a high point, high hopes or anything. Maybe God needed to bring me to a place where I realized the worthlessness of worldly things, even things like education, home and family, which aren’t bad at all! I think He was bringing me to a place where it was just abandonment, being ok with leaving everything behind. I think He wanted to bring me to a place where I would know that I could leave it all and follow His call on my life. Now that He’d brought me there, He could work on opening my eyes to what He has for me, the place I’m called to, the people group(s) I’m called to, the people within those groups, the lifestyle I could be living. He could open my eyes to how I should be educating myself, what I should be getting involved in for experience, and what I should be seeking in education. I realized if I go to university, I want more of a focus on social work but still minor in outdoor education, especially climbing because it’s a passion of mine and that kind of leadership basis has already taught me so much. 

It’s not one of those cheesy ‘be a missionary where you are, you don’t need to go to the other side of the world!’ but the thing is, He calls each and every one of us to nations, not to just settle with our comfortable lives.  I’m still learning what this looks like and it doesn’t mean everyone should pack up and leave America and move somewhere else, but we’re supposed to live outside of ourselves. Most of the people that pull out that ‘why aren’t you a missionary to Hartford or something’ criticize you in wanting to go out while they go home everyday and live their comfortable lives. I’m not bashing people at all, I’ve just found that in coming back to America, we as christians are too comfortable with sitting back and hearing sermons that make us feel good, and giving our exact 10% (if that....) and going to church on sundays and sending our kids/going to youth group one night a week. It’s become comfortable. I find myself missing an environment where I was face to face with opposition, all the time! Monks on the streets, temples every 200 meters, spirit houses outside every building. I miss it because I know and I’m aware of what I’m up against, I am constantly reminded that I’m in a battle against something bigger than myself, but that I have the power of the biggest most eternal being ever and He’s already won, and that is where my strength comes from. I’m still learning how to integrate my lifestyle of constant prayer and blessing and worship into my everyday life back here because it’s so easy to sit back here and be lazy and get distracted and forget what I’m up against.  

This is a novel. It wasn’t meant to be originally! I’m in a constant process of learning and receiving revelation from my Lord. I’m still learning what it means to have Him as my Lord. I guess all this to say that losing your life so you can find it is a beautiful thing. It’s hard to walk through because it’s not a 5 minute process. Walking with God is not a 5 minute thing that you do and then you have it down and you’re good. It’s life! It’s so freeing though, to know God has rich as plans for you and when you run wholeheartedly, in abandonment after Him and His ways, it becomes so much easier to fit your life around His ways and His plans, which are so much more fulfilling than anything you could plan on your own.  I’m completely open, completely, to whatever God has for me these coming months. I know what I want in the back of my head, what I think would be the most fun and whatever, but I know God’s spoken to me that if I want to go out longterm and really impact this world for His Kingdom, He has a lot to build up in me and reveal to me and teach me and have me walk through so I can be prepared to walk through it again, or even help someone else walk through it! 

This adventure with God continues to just blow my mind. His ways are beautiful and gentle and at the end of the day, nothing matters except for the fact that I’m His daughter, redeemed and bought by the blood of Christ. This is the hope I have!

Train.

Months ago I started DTS. In the first week I was given a word, 'train' and had absolutely no idea what it could possibly mean. Since then, I had my mind blown by God in New Zealand, had my heart broken for the people of Laos and Thailand, and returned to the oldest town in Connecticut.

I've been hit by a train. Everything hits at once and it's hard to process and then I feel nothing for a while and then it hits me again. Sometimes it hits harder than others.

The hard but good thing is, this is a train I can get on.  Falling off is probable and I'll keep getting hit, but the thing about my Father is that through His strength I can keep climbing back on. Something I've learned in a real life way the past couple months is resting in God and finding my peace in Him. He doesn't take away my problems or solve them or make everything just swell, but when I bring it to Him, He helps me carry it.

At first I thought I was just getting hit by a train over and over. I'm realizing it was what I thought the past couple years, that as soon as I stood back up I'd get hit by the train again and it was getting tiring to pick myself up over and over.  It's sobering to realize it's a train I can get on and when I fall off and get hit again, I reach up for my Daddy's hand and He'll boost me up.  Like I said, life things don't disappear but I find my peace in something bigger than myself.

I'm only beginning to understand reaching out to God, resting in Him, and being ok with where I'm at.

I wish I had words. Does this make sense?

School Video

I probably could have posted this before leaving for outreach, but here's the school video Sonya and Jeff (both Justice students) put together!  Don't mind the long 'music video' at the end, they're just goofy.  At 6:20 we're doing a tim tam slam, forgot what it's like to have hair on that side of my head! haha

Gradumacation...

It's strange to be saying the phrase 'I'm graduating tomorrow' again... seems like I was saying that not too long ago. At the same time, I feel like 20 years has passed since I finished high school. I entered life and getting to know my Father even deeper. I'm not the same person I was in June. I'm not even the same person I was in September, or December, or even a week ago when I left Laos and Thailand. Papa is always, continuously doing this work in me and the way He teaches me is so beautiful. I don't think I've ever learned so much in such a short amount of time!

I don't really know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Well, I have the plan I'd like, but I know that my Father's plan is a hundred times better than anything I could dream up. I know that wherever I end up, I'll be walking with my Abba and that's the best thing about life. I can mess up and I can make the wrong decision, I can make the right decision and do everything perfectly and no matter what, He loves me and I am a daughter of the most high King. That's the only thing about life that really makes sense to me all the time and it's the one thing I know I can hold onto always and in any situation; that I am a daughter and He is where I find my value and my worth.

To sum up the past couple months and all the cool stuff God's been pouring out, He is so good and He is my Father. I feel like everything comes back to who He is and I just can't get past how good He is. If that was the only thing I learned in my life, that would be enough. He is more than enough.

My God, my Father, He's pretty rad. He's pretty darn big and He's got a whole lot of love.

Bittersweet

I am back in Oxford!! It feels like home and I slept in a bed that I know is clean (!!!) for the first time in about 7 weeks! There's something about coming back to a place you've lived, and just feeling the comfort of familiarity. I even felt it a bit in Laos, when we returned to Luang Prabang and Vientiane and stayed in the same guesthouses. I think it's a feeling you can get anywhere.

I'm learning home is more about community than location. When you're with people you know and trust and spend time with, you're home. That's what makes you miss certain places; the people that are there, or that you associate with the place. Here was my fellow students, Laos is my team and all the people we met, CT is my family and the people I've grown up with. Laos was home for a long time, no matter where we went. I have a family of 6 that have grown close to my heart and have seen some of the biggest growth in my own life. I have one brother who is still in Asia and the last thing he said to me was 'I'll see you again!' I know I'll have a home in Laos/Thailand again, my Father's spoken so much to my heart about that and I can't wait to see what that family will look like!

As happy as I am to be back, and excited to go home in March, a big part of my heart was left in Laos and Thailand. I'm learning to be back and live in western-ish culture and it's good. I can't wait to share stories with everyone and see familiar faces back in the US of A. If you keep checking up, I'll probably post some stories, or at least a basic something about what we did on outreach. If I didn't send you a letter before I left, email me your address and I will be sure to send you an update letter!

Thanks so much for all your prayers!! My team and I were so incredibly blessed. God is good!