I was playing Josh Garrels in the car on the way back from a church for a human trafficking meeting and I played Zion & Babylon and this line stood out to me in a new way:
Lose your life, so that you could find it
Lose your life. Give up what you have, everything. Be prepared to walk away from anything. When Jesus called the disciples he pretty much walked up to their boats and was like ‘hey, follow me.’ They didn’t know Him, but they knew there was something bigger to this guy. Look how right they were! They followed this guy they’d never met and their lives were changed in a way that they then went out and changed the world in a new way, in a supernatural way, in a way that isn’t worldly possible. They were privileged to rely on the strength of their Father and Spirit and see lives changed radically. They were able to share something that was far bigger than themselves! They found their lives by losing everything.
I hung out with a lifelong friend today and I heard how some of his life plans have changed. He doesn’t want to teach music anymore, and part of it is because the way kids in school seem to care less now than they used to and the school systems, at least in my town, seem to be leaning more and more towards spoon feeding kids and allowing so many exceptions. He lost his hope for teaching and bringing his love for music and guitar to kids because the kids that love it like he does seem so few now compared to how many are comfortable with just coasting. It’s sad to hear. What he was striving to offer to the world seems to be getting crushed by the world itself.
When you live for something beyond this world, bigger and outside of this world, it can’t be crushed! This world has nothing on the hope we’ve found in Christ and that we share. Yea, we’re attacked and things come against us but at the end of the day, if this world kills me, it kills my flesh but I have an eternity to spend doing all I could ask for, worshipping my Father.
So anyways, back to Zion and Babylon and that line. I’ve been a bit all over the place because I know the things God has spoken into my life and sometimes I felt so strongly about what I wanted to do and then a couple weeks later it would seem totally impossible, and maybe God had other plans for me or something. For a while, especially after coming home, I had to hold on so strongly to just who God is and dreaming with Him and the knowledge that I know He’ll take me back to SE Asia. I held on so tightly to going back because I wasn’t going to let this world tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not big enough, smart enough, bible scholarly enough, whatever. In my weakness, HE is strong and that’s what matters. So in looking at my future, so many of my YWAM buddies are so supportive of living out the call to nations wherever you are in life, God will use you eh? Back home in Wethersfield, family and friends assume that the next step in university and how can you live life without going to university? Granted there are the people in between, both from YWAM and CT. What’s such a struggle for me is I can see the good in both and yea, I want to jump right into missions and heading back out to nations because I know God has things for me there, but I can also see how He would use me to glorify Himself in going to university and giving up my plans of how I think my life should look. Back to giving up control, thank you Mark Parker! Talk about a mountain (table...) top experience! But God keeps reminding me, ‘hey, who’s in control? Who’s got the big picture? Who works all things together for your own good?’ and I can’t even be annoyed that I may be heading to university next year.
In the fall (New Zealand spring...) I was so ready to give up my admission to UNH, my scholarships, my admission into the honors program, everything, my life at home, it didn’t matter because people haven’t heard the gospel, people don’t know the love and hope and light and joy of Christ! I still feel the same, I would give all that up and go serve in any way. But I’m home right now, in debt to my parents, without a consistent job (at the moment.... prayerfully that will be changing soon...) and leaning so heavily on my Father. I heard that line in the song tonight and realized maybe that wasn’t all just a high point, high hopes or anything. Maybe God needed to bring me to a place where I realized the worthlessness of worldly things, even things like education, home and family, which aren’t bad at all! I think He was bringing me to a place where it was just abandonment, being ok with leaving everything behind. I think He wanted to bring me to a place where I would know that I could leave it all and follow His call on my life. Now that He’d brought me there, He could work on opening my eyes to what He has for me, the place I’m called to, the people group(s) I’m called to, the people within those groups, the lifestyle I could be living. He could open my eyes to how I should be educating myself, what I should be getting involved in for experience, and what I should be seeking in education. I realized if I go to university, I want more of a focus on social work but still minor in outdoor education, especially climbing because it’s a passion of mine and that kind of leadership basis has already taught me so much.
It’s not one of those cheesy ‘be a missionary where you are, you don’t need to go to the other side of the world!’ but the thing is, He calls each and every one of us to nations, not to just settle with our comfortable lives. I’m still learning what this looks like and it doesn’t mean everyone should pack up and leave America and move somewhere else, but we’re supposed to live outside of ourselves. Most of the people that pull out that ‘why aren’t you a missionary to Hartford or something’ criticize you in wanting to go out while they go home everyday and live their comfortable lives. I’m not bashing people at all, I’ve just found that in coming back to America, we as christians are too comfortable with sitting back and hearing sermons that make us feel good, and giving our exact 10% (if that....) and going to church on sundays and sending our kids/going to youth group one night a week. It’s become comfortable. I find myself missing an environment where I was face to face with opposition, all the time! Monks on the streets, temples every 200 meters, spirit houses outside every building. I miss it because I know and I’m aware of what I’m up against, I am constantly reminded that I’m in a battle against something bigger than myself, but that I have the power of the biggest most eternal being ever and He’s already won, and that is where my strength comes from. I’m still learning how to integrate my lifestyle of constant prayer and blessing and worship into my everyday life back here because it’s so easy to sit back here and be lazy and get distracted and forget what I’m up against.
This is a novel. It wasn’t meant to be originally! I’m in a constant process of learning and receiving revelation from my Lord. I’m still learning what it means to have Him as my Lord. I guess all this to say that losing your life so you can find it is a beautiful thing. It’s hard to walk through because it’s not a 5 minute process. Walking with God is not a 5 minute thing that you do and then you have it down and you’re good. It’s life! It’s so freeing though, to know God has rich as plans for you and when you run wholeheartedly, in abandonment after Him and His ways, it becomes so much easier to fit your life around His ways and His plans, which are so much more fulfilling than anything you could plan on your own. I’m completely open, completely, to whatever God has for me these coming months. I know what I want in the back of my head, what I think would be the most fun and whatever, but I know God’s spoken to me that if I want to go out longterm and really impact this world for His Kingdom, He has a lot to build up in me and reveal to me and teach me and have me walk through so I can be prepared to walk through it again, or even help someone else walk through it!
This adventure with God continues to just blow my mind. His ways are beautiful and gentle and at the end of the day, nothing matters except for the fact that I’m His daughter, redeemed and bought by the blood of Christ. This is the hope I have!
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