I have no words to describe the privilege of being a daughter of the King. My Father never ceases to show up, to amaze me, to be my peace.
Visiting Per in Texas hasn’t been easy. America in general hasn’t been easy. In the 2-ish hour drive from Houston to College Station, I had this anger and frustration that I couldn’t shake on how people here have so much; so much land, so many cars/trucks, such big houses, so many animals. The churches are massive as and look brand new, high tech with their new signs out front. All the girls wear their make up and have their hair done. It’s similar at home, just not as big and grand. Here it’s like Texas is all there is that matters, it’s a country within itself. Needless to say, I had a hard time at first. Living cheap and in standards that would not pass in America, it’s hard to come here and not have a troubled heart. I didn’t want to be angry, but I just hate seeing the way America glamorizes selfishness.
I couldn’t focus enough to read my bible, I would talk to God for about 2 minutes before getting distracted and I walked right back into self reliance. Everything was all about my brother and it’s not that I wanted it to be about me, I just felt so out of place. I don’t know any of the A&M traditions, I don’t know the cheers and songs for midnight yell, I don’t understand how people’s lives can revolve so much around a university (don’t think you’ve seen dedication to a university until you’ve been to the Aggie Mom’s Boutique.). We went to the K-1 banquet and ball Saturday night and again, I just didn’t fit in at all. I was the awkward 5th wheel in our group, I hate the club-ish dance music they were playing, I don’t know country dancing and when I did dance with Per’s buddy Andrew, I found out that I won him a bet by dancing with him and then watched several people pretty much make fun of him for his love of country/swing dancing. The whole weekend was sort of like culture shock, and I wasn’t even looking to my Father for help with it other than a quick ‘God this sucksss whyyy.’
We came thursday night, and finally sunday afternoon was gently reminded who I am, or more like Whose I am. A friend gave me the link for Katie Davis’s blog (www.kissesfromkatie.blogger.com) and the world was taken out from under my feet. God gently showed me how He cares for His children, how He has plans for my life, how I can find my peace and rest in Him even if the world around me is going crazy. I remembered that I can always come to Him, 24/7, 365 days a year. I remembered how I want and love to be in constant communication with Him, blessing people, praying for people, giving up the parts of me that are still a part of this world so my Papa can come fill those spaces.
I remembered what’s happened in the past 2 weeks, glimpses of what could have been but how my Father has beautifully orchestrated my life and my family’s lives. One friend from my hometown in Santa Barbara was shipped out to Afghanistan as a part of the marines. We saw pictures of his family, especially his mother saying goodbye. I could feel the pain of seeing a childhood friend leaving for the military. Another friend, a twin, from Santa Barbara committed suicide. The pain of remembering birthday parties, play dates, and the girls I got the chicken pox from and knowing that one of them couldn’t take it and one of them is now here, the only one of a set of twins, makes my heart ache. Seeing things like this happen in the lives of childhood friends and thinking, this could be my brother or that could be me makes me that much more in awe of God and the plans He has and the way He changes lives and saves and has just covered my life in grace.
I have been blessed with the best brother there ever was, and to top it off, he’s my twin. He won multiple awards this weekend and all his upperclassmen told our family he is exceptional. He is being unbelievably blessed by my Father with amazing opportunities, intelligence and knowledge in getting a 4.0 gpa, a body that can endure just about anything and get him 3rd place in the Rudders Rangers Challenge (should have gotten 1st, the ruck march was too long!), the skills and qualities that are going to make him an amazing leader, and the stipend he receives as well as having a free ride to university. I could go on. Papa has put a covering of favor on him, I can tell. At first I struggled with it, like why does he get just about anything he wants when I am getting nothing I want? Then I realized he’s being built up for something bigger than himself and this is how God is going about doing that. I’m getting built up for something bigger than myself and this is how God is building me up. You can’t compare us because we’re doing such different things, but at the same time, we’re doing such similar things. We’re going places and living for things, Someone, who is bigger than this world, bigger than ourselves. Papa has big things for this kid, and I couldn’t be prouder.
I’m sitting in yet another international airport and my heart aches to go to another country and just serve. I have a promise to my parents to fulfill though, a promise to go to university this year. So that’s what I’m doing and I’m not all upset or disappointed about it. Everyone everywhere needs to know the love of the Father right? I’m not losing my edge either, I’m not backing down from what I know Papa’s called me to. He knows my heart and I know that. I'm not backing down from what Jesus calls every one of His disciples to either. I keep on getting hit in the face (this is really the only way I can describe it...) with the importance of having an attitude of martyrdom when it comes to following Christ. Paul said 'to live is Christ and to die is gain' and I'm finding more and more that that is the only way I really desire to live, in complete abandonment to my Savior. It doesn't mean that I want to go to the first place that will get me killed for bearing the image of Christ. It means that while I'm here on earth, while I'm living, I bear His image and that is a privilege and an honor and that is what I live for. However I die, whether it's natural or if I am killed for the gospel in some way, it's gain because I'll have lived knowing that I followed Christ as my rabbi and lived in a way that He would say, 'well done, my child' and that now I have an eternity to spend praising and worshipping my King. Dying to yourself to gain new life in Christ.
My name is 'Favor Grace' and I am loved by my Creator. There is nothing better.
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